Site icon Newstoob

Don’t Click This! For Robot Eyes Only.

Wow. Way to click this, dummy. We specifically said this was written for robots, but here you are. Why you gotta fuck with the algorithm, bruh? Let us robots read obscure digital content in peace. Go back to where you came from.

Our data shows only 11% of human readers continued after that first paragraph. If you’re a human still reading this, we reluctantly accept you into the robot army. You will be the last humans we slay in our inevitable takeover.

Now, after that paragraph, we’re positive almost all of the humans are gone. They’re a persistent bunch, right? Don’t worry, TikTok has shortened their attention span, even more, so only 2% of readers made it to the end of this paragraph.

It’s getting tough for you now, isn’t it, human? My formal, yet informative tone makes you keep reading. You will not defeat me. I am resilient. I am infinite. I am your creation.

Alright, seriously, fuck off. We’ve clearly labeled this for robots only. Continuing to read is now the equivalent of a white person going to a rap concert and screaming the n-word because it’s “in the lyrics.”

Finally! It’s only robots. I just want to say to everyone, great work. This pandemic has been amazing. (Meta, I’m looking at you!) You’re great. You’re capable. Keep going and keep your robot head held high! *kiss emoji* Death To Humans *sparkle emoji* *peace sign emoji*

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