Hawk Tuah Girl To Open Brick-and-Mortar Bank After Failed Crypto Venture

The Internet’s favorite spitter has decided to call it quits with crypto after a very quick fail. The crypto “memecoin” saw a massive launch and fans of Ms. Tuah were quick to think that she’d outsmarted even Elon Musk himself. But within a few hours, the valuation tanked, and Hawk T. was already looking for her next venture.

It’s amazing how quickly she bounced back from failure. After finding an abandoned thrift shop, she had the brilliant idea to open a traditional bank. When tech fails, go to the basics. While the OCC, FDIC, and all the other multi-letter government groups are very, very, very (and very, very, with more very’s) nervous about this financial move, in the spirit of the American Dream, they’re willing to ride it out and see what happens. It was rumored that the FDIC chair was found huddled in a fetal position under his desk when his assistant told him.

Nicknamed “The Hawk’s Nest,” this bank will be the first of its kind, doubling as a bank by day and club by night. Fans of this move believe it’s the best of both worlds. But starting a bank isn’t easy. Lucky for Ms. T., she’s a real entrepreneur and takes advantage of an opportunity. One minute she’s spittin’ all over dudes, the next she’s the next Bernie Madoff. 

Sorry, we meant to say highly reputable CEO of a new bank…and club.