OPINION: Matt Gaetz Is Awful In Bed

Matt Gaetz is a regular guy. Overlook his oddly square head. Ignore that sleezy car salesman vibe. Forget about the flirting with facism. Brush over the pending investigation into having sex with a minor.

Other than that, he’s just like you and me!

And just like you and me, he has trouble getting laid (without paying first). Did I say laid? I meant love. Both, actually. How else can you explain a grown man showing nude pictures of former sexual conquests to House collegues?

Sure, Gaetz knows bandz a make her dance. But the question becomes, can he get down with the tool in his pants? All signs point to absolutely not.

Here at NewsToob, we believe in chasing the truth. No matter where that path leads. But we’re 99.99% sure Gaetz’s path takes the long way to avoid Clitopolis and doesn’t lead to O-Town.

Reasons Why Matt Gaetz Is Terrible At Sex:

  • He looks like a scrapped Bond villain.
  • He yells, “you’re too picky!” after 2 minutes of dry humping.
  • He’s from Florida
  • His daddy has been a member of this country club for years.
  • Look at his wife’s frown lines.

Reasons Why Matt Gaetz Is Good At Sex:

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

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