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5 Easter Characters That Are Totally DTF

Easter. It’s a time for pastel colors. It’s a time for toddlers to cry because they didn’t get the colored egg they wanted. It’s a time to fuck like bunnies.

Laying down that wood is a time-honored Easter tradition that has it’s roots in the story of Jesus. At least that’s what he told me when he was remodeling my kitchen.

We can all thank our ancestors for slippin’ and slidin’ in that hoochie hoo. Without them, we wouldn’t be here today.

While all the biblical characters are heroes, a few fuckers stand out more than the rest.


Like it or not, betraying the Son of God is big dick energy. Judas may be remembered as the man who propelled the end of Jesus’ life, but historians often overlook the fact that dude was swinging a 9” hog under his robe.

Pontius Pilot

He laid the death sentence down on Jesus. He also laid the sister of every man in Jeruselum. Around town, he was commonly known as “Pussy Pilot” for his ability to navigate the vagina in fierce conditions. You know how Romans be.

Mary Magdalene

I mean, c’mon. She’s been referred to as “Jesus’ Lover” in multiple actual biblical theories. Jesus wanted that cookie. Mary gave that cookie. Is it a coincidence that she has the same name as Jesus’ mother? Absolutely.

Back in biblical times, they LIVED incest porn, not just fantasize about it like the weak ass motherfuckers today.


I mean, the guy impregnated a 16-year-old. He’s DTF. Case closed.

Bad Bunny

Bad Bunny’s Easter impact is easy to miss, but he’s influenced how we celebrate Easter today. The Bunny has become synonymous with entering your home (just as he did with Jesus’ tomb) and leaving shit around for people to find.

Also, he fucks.

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