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5 Thanksgiving Foods to Eat Off Your Partner, and 5 to Absolutely Avoid

Well friends, it’s that time of year. A time to let that inner glutton show as you shovel savory, sweet, and carby goodness down your throat. It’s certainly a weird year and politics are most definitely on the guest list, invited or not. While your dad and his brother argue over inflation, your mom and her sister yell about her sh*tty boyfriends, and your grandma likely drinks Port to drown out the mess she created, you and your partner can look forward to finally getting some alone time.

No, no, no, we aren’t talking chocolate, roses, and candles. Save that shit for February. We’re talking leftovers. We’re talking when the in-laws finally leave and your drunk uncle passes TF out on your dad’s favorite recliner, you and your better half can take advantage of all that food in the fridge and decide to have a late night snack. Off each other.

So, without anymore unnecessary delay, here are the best foods to eat off your partner and ones to absolutely f*cking avoid. For your safety, their safety, and honestly, society’s sake.

Savor the Moment

Turkey

The star of the show, turkey, is a nice choice to kick off this somewhat sexual event. We aren’t talking right from the oven turkey, but there’s a chance this now deceased feathered friend has been sitting in the fridge for just enough time to cool down. Already sliced, turkey is a great source of protein pre-bedroom activities.

Roasted Potatoes

Likely not an expected choice, roasted potatoes are the perfect bite-sized snack to gently peck off your partner. The shape is one that works for a number of positions and there’s plenty of opportunity to season those puppies with salt, pepper, and maybe even some ketchup.

Any Type of Bread With Butter

Why limit to just one type of bread? There’s so much to explore with sourdough, brioche, Parker House rolls—sh*t, the list goes on and on. Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside, the butter provides a nice lubricant if you need assistance.

Pumpkin Pie

The softest of the pies, pumpkin is a staple for the post-dinner eat off your partner event. Now, pumpkin pie isn’t for everyone, so if you aren’t one to enjoy this creamy orange delight, smother it with whipped cream. Who gives a sh*t.

Pecan Pie 

A personal favorite, pecan pie is amazing. There are some flaws in that it is very sticky and the pecans might dig into the skin. But again, pecan pie is amazing. Vanilla ice cream can numb the spot just enough to not feel any potential pain.

Culinary Crime Scene

Gravy

Let’s just start with what gravy is—sauce made from leftover meat and veg juice from cooking. What the actual f*ck. I have to admit that gravy is good on mashed taters and a slice of turk breast but it’s not something we advise to slurp (queue vomiting here) off your partner.

Cranberry Sauce

Pretty simple decision here. Cranberry sauce sucks and you don’t want to pull this out of a crevice, orifice, or any other -ice.

Any Type of Casserole

There’s a casserole for everything these days—green bean, sweet potato, mac and cheese, broccoli and cheddar, and on and on and on. The reason this makes our list is because casserole is very involved and it just leaves a mess. Every single time. Do yourself a favor.

Anything With Baked Brie

Very basic answer here—baked brie is hot AF. Doesn’t matter if you buffer with bread or crackers, gluten or no gluten, the sh*t is hot and it will burn.

Cornbread

I love cornbread but it feels like every time I eat it, it just crumbles. There are way better foods to get more bang for your buck than crumbly cornbread. Delicious buttery cloud of corn? You bet. Absolute mood killer and clean up nightmare? Most f*cking definitely.

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