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3 Tips For Elegantly Farting In Public

3 Tips To Elegantly Fart In Public

Farting is normal. Tooting is natural. Sharting is a symptom of a larger intestinal issue. Whatever stage of the public farting journey you currently reside, there are tride and true tactics to delivering the news in an elegant fashion.

Below is our three tactics for elegantly letting the weasel fly in public.

Tactic One: The Cupid Shuffle

The classic, tride-and-true method of farting in public. It’s Coca-Cola. Band-Aid. Kleenex. You get the idea. One simply subtly shifts their weight onto one cheek while sitting (to avoid seat vibration) and safely lets it fly.

Like many classic techniques of old, the action is rudimentary. The art, however, lies in the details. For many amateur tooters, it’s quite an obvious weight shift. Seasoned professionals will know that a true maser of this tootin’ tactic will have a reason to shift their weight.

Here are few recommendations to initiate the shift and throw people off the scent:

  • Adjust the tongue of your shoe
  • Drop something on purpose
  • Distract people around you by pointing out something in the sky

Tactic Two: Plausible Deniability

In America, you’re innocent until proven guilty. In fact, the jury of your peers must find a preponderance (practically undeniable, for you dumbasses) of evidence to convict you. As members of the white male community in America have found, it’s best to use our shamblistic legal system to your benefit whenever you have the chance.

That is why our second tip for farting in public is plausible deniability.

When you feel the toots starting to scoot, position yourself near someone or something that has a known reputation to let that stank fly. Your friend’s dog. A sewer drain. French tourists. Anyone from Portland. 

This close proximity to known ass assailants instantly shifts the blame of the fart. Prey on the intrinsic biases we all have, and get yourself out on poot parole.

Tactic Three: The Karma

Sometimes public karma is not about getting away, it’s about getting even. That annoying guy on the train talking loudly on his phone. The person who jumps ahead of you while getting off an airplane. They’re everywhere – and there is one way to get even.

Tactically time your fart. Let it stir. Let it marinate. The gurgles for good. 

Position yourself near the assailant, then silently, become the assailant. Immediately leave the premise or for you pros, pre-hold your breath as not to incur friendly fire. 

The bomb is dropped. The pain is temporary. The satisfaction is forever.

With great power, comes great responsibility. Model your elegant fart efforts after the wisdom of Sun Tzu, “Let your plans be dark and impenetrable as night, and when you move, fall like a thunderbolt.”

Continue Your Dissociation From Reality

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